


Eine Schlafensnacht

by CptnRuski



Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: Angst, Established Relationship, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, So much angst, braden is soft, expansion draft sadness, grubi is a wreck, have fun with your feels
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-16
Updated: 2017-06-16
Packaged: 2018-11-14 16:42:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,419
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11212062
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CptnRuski/pseuds/CptnRuski
Summary: Philipp Grubauer lay wide awake in the middle of the bed, staring blindly at the wall, the glint of a black acoustic guitar staring at him sympathetically.





	Eine Schlafensnacht

**Author's Note:**

> I've been having a lot of feelings about the expansion lately and as a Caps fan who loves Grubi, I'm definitely fearing for the worst.  
> I'd like to thank the lovely toolittletoolate for betaing this for me and to the cluster pucks for being enablers, I love you all.  
> Enjoy the angst.

 

The room was drenched in moonlight, pale, soft light which cast beautiful shadows across the bedroom, reflecting off of the little surfaces. It was quiet, as night usually is, with the quiet singing of nocturnal creatures humming along outside interrupted infrequently by a car slowly coming down the roads. It was nice, or at least it should've been, tangled in the covers and pressed tightly against the other man in bed, warm and safe in a way that should have lulled the younger of the pair to sleep.

And yet… it didn't.

Philipp Grubauer lay wide awake in the middle of the bed, staring blindly at the wall, the glint of a black acoustic guitar staring at him sympathetically. Behind him, Braden Holtby held him tightly in his arms, his even breaths trying to pull Philipp into a deep sleep along with him, but failing miserably in contrast with the sense of dread pitting German’s stomach. The stress and anxieties over the season had long since passed, being replaced by the terror and heartache that he could be pulled away, that he  _ would  _ be pulled,  _ taken _ , away from Braden… but they wouldn't know for days if those fears would be confirmed.

Holding himself together had been a challenge. Hockey was a business, it didn't matter if you lived where you were, if you had good friends on your team, everything could be ripped away from you in a single moment, a single word called out after a game, practice, or… the fucking NHL awards.

Philipp sat up, gently dislodging himself from Braden’s hold, immediately shivering at the loss of touch and warmth. The younger man dug the heels of his hands into his eyes as he felt something inside him pull painfully at his heart. After rubbing his eyes, and breathing to settle himself, he turned his eyes to Braden’s sleeping form. The older goaltender had the most peaceful look on his face, relaxed, not stressed, not worried… everything Philipp wished he could be right now. His auburn hair was also mussed and falling over his eyes in a way that usually would've made Philipp run for his camera to capture the memory of how lovely Braden looked in his sleep, but tonight, he tried to etch that look, that  _ face _ into his memory. 

If Philipp left, Braden had assured him time and time again that they'd make it work. They'd call and text and skype and send photos but to Philipp, the thought of falling asleep alone, night after night without Braden’s arms wrapped tightly around him, shielding him from the world and making him feel  _ loved…,  _ not having that was nearly too much to bear.

He wasn't  _ weak _ , not in any stretch of the word. Philipp had gone through a lot in his career, and leaving home to come to America for hockey was definitely a memory that attested to that. However, ever since Philipp had met Braden, ever since he'd seen the Canadian standing tall, confident, and beautiful in  _ his _ crease, he'd been hooked. Then they started to see each other and since then, since they'd begun their relationship, he felt love, he felt safe, he felt protected and Philipp loved that feeling, the feeling of being protected, of being safe, but now… now he wasn't.

Philipp knew that the organization would be fucking insane to not protect Braden. He was one of the best in the game and that had been proven with winning the Vezina Award last season. Of course he'd been nominated again, but that couldn't bring Philipp out of his funk, couldn't stop Philipp from feeling the overwhelming sense of dread at the fact that he could be ripped away from Braden that very night.

The night was still quiet, still dark, and Philipp realized he hadn't slept at all, those thoughts of the expansion running wildly through his head. He knew he'd be leaving, everyone thought he would at least. All of his friends, his team, the analysis, and even his lover himself understood that this past season had likely been Philipp’s last in Washington, but he couldn't accept the fact that it would happen.

Philipp didn't know when he started to cry, only that suddenly, he could taste salt on his lips and at the same time felt the hot sting in his eyes while tears rolled down his face. He hiccuped softly as he tried to remain quiet, he didn't want to wake Braden, didn't want the Canadian to worry for him even further. Hell, Philipp didn't even know if he could articulate himself in English at this point. However, Philipp should've known that despite how careful he was, Braden would know, and before Philipp could settle himself again, there was a hand on his thigh. The younger goaltender looked down to see two bright, hazel orbs catching the rays of moonlight in a way that took Philipp’s breath away, even as his body shook while tears streamed from his eyes.

Braden didn't say a word, merely sat up and held Philipp’s hands in his own. Philipp took a moment to look down, then back to Braden and then began to sob harder at the touch, the feeling of togetherness, the love that Braden seemed to radiate outwards driving deep into his core. The older man slowly leaned forwards and pressed his lips to the younger man’s forehead before removing his hands from Philipp’s. Braden gently brought his hands to the younger man’s face, cupping Philipp’s cheeks as he carefully wiped at the tears falling from the younger goalie’s eyes. Philipp shuddered as he leaned into the touch, feeling some part of himself settle at the feeling of Braden holding him like this, but he seemed to cry harder as he realized that he may only have days left with Braden like this, only a few nights left with him.

“I don't want to leave,” Philipp choked out as Braden pulled him tightly into his arms, settling himself against the headboard while Philipp gripped the older man’s shoulders tightly and cried into his neck.

“I know,” Braden muttered back softly, his own voice sleep addled and strained.

Braden held him tightly like that until finally Philipp’s breathing started to calm with no tears left in him after his sobbing. The older goalie slowly stroked his hand down Philipp’s back, the rhythmic cadence of the gentle caresses helping Philipp to breathe and relax slightly. 

They remained like that for a while until Philipp carefully sat himself up, rubbing at his eyes as Braden leaned up, pressing his own hand against Philipp’s cheek and gently running his thumb over the soft skin there.

“Philipp,” Braden began quietly, “What do you need?”

Philipp shook his head slowly, 

“I don't know.” He whispered out.

Braden frowned but nodded, opting to continue holding Philipp and wrapping his arms around the younger man in a gentle embrace.

“I love you.” Philipp breathed out after a while, his voice rough and tired sounding, “I-I can't… Braden I love you so much- Ich kann nicht-”

“I know.” Braden whispered back to him, rubbing Philipp’s back again, knowing exactly how Philipp would finish his sentence, “I love you too, and nothing will ever change that.”

“I-I don't want to l-leave you.” Philipp frowned shaking his head.

“I know. I don't want it either,” Braden replied, his voice still strained, but the comforting tone Philipp was familiar with shone through just enough for the younger man to relax a little more, “But if it does happen… I'll still be here for you Philipp, I always will be.”

“I don't want to live without you though.” Philipp shook his head, gritting his teeth.

“I don't either.” Braden shook his head, “But… It- we’ll make this work, we’ll make it, ok? We will make this work.”

Philipp pulled back and looked back into Braden’s eyes, still reflecting moonlight, and now even more so as the younger of the pair noticed the tears threatening to fall from them. 

Moonlight drenched the room as quietly, Braden began to whisper soft nothings to Philipp, words of comfort, of stability, of reassurance, of love. The world slowly melted away around them, nothing but Braden’s words and body existing to Philipp, and soon, Philipp felt a sense of calm within him. Braden's words flowed through him, each gentle word tugging at Philipp’s heart and slowly, ever so slowly, the older man’s words lulled Philipp to sleep with Braden’s last whisper filling his mind.

“ _ I love you. _ ”

 

 

 


End file.
